I am such a Gonzaga student. It’s Monday night, I’m done with my not so terrible amount of homework (senior year isn’t so bad sometimes) and all I want to do is write about the inspiration of community. Jesuit education, ya got me.
I was indulging in one of my many shameful pleasures (totally a subject of its own) of watching documentaries on crimes and criminals today and it totally got me…
When I come home, Albuquerque becomes something more than a city. It becomes an archive of every memory, angst, and growing pain of my adolescence. I think adolescence is one of the most hilarious concepts to grace (or should I say, awkwardly accompany) humanity. But that could be explored later.
I went for a drive tonight because the sun was calling my name. I needed to sit in quiet moving…
Haven’t done a life rant in a while. And right now, I’m feeling the need, as my heart is pretty full. I had a pretty productive day and just felt really close to God and at peace from the intercession of Our Lady. I just feel like I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing with my life and inspired that I will be able to keep doing it in the future. I just went through a pretty dark time. Chris and I weren’t seeing eye to eye, and it’s still sort of rough. Through that dark time, I realized a few things. I realized that I don’t think I will ever stop being hyper-critical completely, but I need to try. I was perpetuating the unhealthy behavior in our relationship that prompted a break just as much as he was and I didn’t realize it until he brought it up. I’m always so critical, and it made him feel like he couldn’t pursue his passions because he was always trying to appease me. I get this problem where I really really really care about people and because I am observant, I feel like I know the best path for them to find happiness. I always thought being observant was a blessing, and I think it is in a lot of ways. Especially with what I want to do with my life. But I can’t project those observations to people I care about thinking that I know what’s best for them. I just can’t. And that is knowledge that I am really happy I attained as a result of this break. I also got a glimpse of the dark, evil, bone-crushing loneliness that comes from being away from the one that makes my heart happy. I was at a place where I was totally taking him for granted and it was only when I was gone that God made me come face to face with just how much Chris means to me that I was able to realize that that boy just makes my heart complete, regardless of how much he is pissing me off. This week being back together has left me with nothing but happiness and inspiration to move forward. I can’t deny that those feelings are real and the reason I stay with Chris in the first place. I’m really glad that I was provided such light when it came to my relationship. I learned to rely on God for every bit of truth and clarity in my life. He will always be a constant. And His Divine Grace and guidance is going to make me stronger and better all the time. What a beautiful thing to know that there is a faith that will challenge me to take steps to grow and act as comfort and support when I struggle through these challenges. As I reflect on this, I have nothing but gratitude and awe for the power of God and the work of the Spirit. I hope and pray that Chris comes to this knowledge by his own way one day. I think he will. As for now, I know we will struggle and I will sin against God and against Chris but one of the biggest assets that Chris has brought into my life is forgiveness so I know it will be okay. Now that I am writing this, everything is starting to click and make sense which is exactly what I prayed for. Wow.
Anyway, I have been struggling with my own other crosses in my life. As I said earlier, I’m very observant. This makes me see qualities in people that other people might not see. And a lot of these qualities I see are negative. I really really wish I could just be ignorant sometimes to peoples’ hidden agendas and insecurities and subtle quests for attention and that it didn’t bother me as much as it does. But it does. I was talking to Chris last night about it and I figured that I want to fix people so badly that I observe the flaws in their character with a subconscious want to help them through these flaws so they can come to love themselves more. It seems like that would be all well and good but it is the flaws I see first which isn’t good. Like, there’s this group of girls that we have kind of always hung out with over the last 4 years. Every one of them is seriously a testament to female herd mentality. They’re all sweet to me, but they seriously can’t act as independents and are always subject to the moves of the group. As a result, I have found this fascinating and annoying at the same time because I have always been on the outside. But is it really the outside? I am happy with who I am whether or not I am in a big group of people. I also deal with some really narrow-minded and for lack of better word spoiled people every day. And it is literally taking every fiber of my being (and not to mention my prayer life) to ask for patience instead of acting on my impulses to be snarky or mean. Ugh. Patience. I need it. But luckily these conversations with myself sort of buffer the internalization of everything so it’s not too much to handle.
Today the greatest single source of wealth is between your ears.
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